Unfuck Your Boundaries

We respect these boundaries through how we care for others and by letting them have their own emotional experiences

Too often I feel the emotional burden, or perceived microexpression that means a person is angry or sad. Then you immediate feel an urge to rush in and fix it.

That isn’t respect. They didnt ask for help. They’re processing something you can’t see. You must let them have that experience and not feel guilty about not forcing your hand to help.

This book comes with a lot of hard-hitting boundary related questions that are worth diving into. Some are pretty confronting tbh. Firstly it’s important to understand the categories, even at a surface level.

The categories Fath G. Harper uses for the various boundaries we have:

• Time boundaries - limits around how you spend your time, who has access to it, and protecting it from overcommitment or others’ demands
• Spiritual boundaries (belief system) - the right to hold your own beliefs, values, and practices without pressure to adopt or justify them to others
• Intellectual boundaries - protecting your thoughts, opinions, and ideas from ridicule, dismissal, or coercion to think differently
• Emotional/relational boundaries - defining what emotional labor you will and won’t take on, and how others are allowed to treat you in relationships
• Sexual boundaries - determining what sexual contact, conversation, or attention you consent to, with whom, and under what circumstances
• Property boundaries - your right to control who uses your belongings, space, and possessions
• Physical boundaries - limits around your body, personal space, and physical touch

Questions for consideration:

1. what are some of the boundaries you have for each of these categories?
2. which kinds of boundary violations do you experience the most? Which categories do those violation s belong to?
3. which kinds of boundaries do you have the most difficulty respecting for others? Which categories do those violations belong to?

Four main biggest reasons boundaries get walked over:

1. Overall social hierarchy problems
2. Screwed up attachment styles
3. High conflict personality
4. Perpetuation of coercive control

I didn’t originally understand what the words in this sentence meant: “perpetuation of coercive control”. If I break down what each part of the sentence it made more sense. It feels like a persistent, slow burn where a person is using force to control someone. Hectic.

The book explains an ideal cultural norm where “yes means yes” and not having the opposite where we are forced to look “no means no”. She describes the the flip of what we currently have. This is good.

All large political movements started with a boundary being crossed and someone standing up for their right to protect said boundary. So, in essence, boundaries are eventually political by nature. They’re definitely shaped by politics and what is acceptable by both our culture and our laws.

Schools aren’t equipped to set kids up for healthy communication and boundaries. They’re set up for compliance. Adhering to the status quo. I remember a time as a young kid where answering questions was fun, and more people put up their hands. Eventually less and less hands were keen to go up. It felt like you were given shit for answering questions wrong, and the social rejection / embarrassment trained you to ask less questions. Since then, I consistently try to ask one useful question in meetings/events that I’m a part of. Something that’s taken time to unlearn. Heck, I still get nervous at the thought of putting my hand up to ask a question.

Three attachment styles in a nutshell:

• Secure attachment - general comfortability with others. 60% of people in the US.
• Avoidance attachment - hard time trusting or depending on others, uncomfortable with the level of closeness people expect of them
• Anxious attachment - hard time with worry, fear of abandonment

I feel like depending on the context of whatever situation you’re in, and people you’re with, you slide in and out of each attachment style. Say for example, with your best friend you feel secure around. But a mean teacher you feel avoidance toward, because they’re mean.

The book reinforces the impact childhood has on attachment styles in adulthood. And until we learn skills to react differently to the world around us, we won’t really be able to move past our attachment styles.

I knew these words, but I didn’t realise the succinct meaning behind them:

1. Narcissistic - excessive self-interest in self and appearance
2. Histrionic - excessively theatrical or dramatic in character or style

The minute we start paying attention to our own bullshit is the minute it starts to change. On noticing your own state and not externalising your problems on the world.

Best way to respond to High Confilct Individuals, is to first ask if you even need to respond? What are the consequences of not responding, what about if you respond?

The final bits of the book for me remind me that effective communication is possible. It shows a fair few examples and says everyone has a responsibility to help make the world a better place. Decent read. I think if I was more strict on the questions and spending time on them I might have got more out of this book. The questions are probably worth picking up and going through at various stages of your life.